Hurricane Yo Mama

branding brand imageMy mom’s name is Maria, and she finally gets a monster storm-slash-potential natural disaster named after her. When my siblings and I were growing up, “Watch out, Maria’s on the rampage” was our fraternal I-got-your-back warning that someone had done something wrong and that someone had lived to regret it, and all the other someones in my mother’s path were going to suffer right along with the offending someone. [Confused? Sorry, there were five of us.]

To be fair, Mom wasn’t really all that bad. Neither were we, actually. She did, however, have a reputation for flaring nostrils that signified profound anger. I suppose Hurricane Maria’s equivalent are the 80 mph winds that, given the opportunity, would blow said nostrils to and fro like nobody’s business. Now that it’s finally happened, this naming thing, and I have so many funny things to say about it – things that only an adult child can get away with saying to a parent – I don’t have to worry about being sent to my room to “Think long and hard about what you just said, young man.” Cool.

I’m truly savoring this. A hurricane named after my mom, just a few weeks after the hurricane named after my cousin [Irene] wreaked havoc in New England, where Renie happens to live. Oh, the Circle of Life. Elton, you are wise.

All of this did get me to thinking about hurricane names, or “brands,” if you will. I seem to recall a few years ago when the authorities were considering the cessation of naming hurricanes after people. The especially devastating ones make a strong case for this. “Hi, this is my friend Katrina.” A perfectly fine name ruined for at least two or three decades. And weren’t some people suggesting that we let corporations sponsor them, like they do stadiums and figure skating competitions? Hurricane Depends, anyone? [It’ll scare you so much, you’ll s*** your pants.] Or maybe Hurricane Pixar? [Tom Hanks could do the VO, making it an approachable hurricane.] I imagine Hurricane Google would be quite easy to find if you searched for it, and easy to spot on the map, especially if you clicked “Street View.” And how about Hurricane FedEx? [“When it’s absolutely, positively going to hit overnight.”]

Oh, I could go on and on. The lines practically write themselves. But a really good one for Hurricane Maria escapes me; maybe I’m too close to it. Wait. One just popped into mind: “You never write. You never call. Tomorrow night, young man…landfall.” Yikes. I’d better go nail plywood over the windows.

Tags: , , ,

4 Responses to “Hurricane Yo Mama”

  1. matt says:

    This is great! Thanks Mike

  2. Yo Mama Maria says:

    Dear Mike and the rest of you,

    I never did like kids, anyway.

  3. Jean says:

    Laughed out loud reading this! Vic and I just got in from cruising the western carribean and TRUST ME!!! We were watching for Maria to rain on our parade! (thankfully it did not)
    It did kinda’ feel like we were being stalked though. Just like when I was a kid.
    Love you Mom!!!
    Great job Mike!
    xoxo to all

  4. Trish says:

    This is great, made me think of numerous “we’ll laugh about this someday” storms from years ago. Love you Mom!!
    Thanks for the memories comrade Mike :)

Leave a Reply